So much to do

I always start my personal blogs saying I want to blog more but then I never make the time to do it. So I'm not going to bother saying it any more. If I blog I blog and if not then tough!

I am really tired but hopeful at the same time. We have been waiting a long time for Maddy's lung transplant and I was very excited when it finally happened. Then all hell broke loose and there were just so many complications. It seemed like it would never end. And now here we are in the hospital again for what is supposed to be an out patient procedure and she is stuck here for five days or more! Grrr!

Let me just say for the record how much it sucks to have to watch your child go through so much pain. It's the worst feeling in the world. I want to take all the pain for her. But there is no way to do that. I know it seems like I have it all together. People always say ' I don't know how you do it Davis. You are so strong, and always hold it together. You always have such a positive outlook.' Allow me to explain how I do that. It's really a two part process. First I have to accept that there is no way to change the situation. Know that I am doing everything possible to help my kids be and stay healthy and then accept everything that comes our way. Second I recognize that if I am positive about a situation, no matter how negative that situation may appear, I have a much better chance of coming out of it with my sanity in tact. However, that does not mean that I don't feel like it sucks all the time. I do! I just choose to pretend it doesn't. Kind of a fake it till you make it mentality. But sometimes I just have to say THIS SUCKS!

There, now everyone knows my deep dark secret. I'm just a big faker!

So anyway, this all sucks and it has taken up our whole summer. I'm out of sick pay and I'm almost out of vacation time too. I don't have time to make music, take cool amazing pictures, paddle my kayak down a river, rock climb at the indoor rockwell gym or play with my kids. Ethan has been on the other coast the whole time so we have not had one single day together. Maddy has obviously been through the ringer so we can't go out and have fun. I can't even get all my work done at the station when I'm there. Every song I listen to sounds like crap to me and I know it's not the song, it's just my mood. The only way I can combat all this is to remind myself that Maddy now has a second chance at life. I know that should be enough, but she has had so many obstacles to overcome in all this I sometimes feel like it's going to all be for nothing. I keep having the dreadful feeling that something else will go wrong and she will not come through it. I hate to feel that way, I will not say it out loud and I am almost afraid to write it here. But it's in my head ALL THE TIME.

So this is what I keep bottled up all the time. I will persevere and keep my positive outlook. While inside I die a little more with each passing day. NAH, JUST KIDDING. I just always wanted to write something like an emo poet one time. ;-)

I'm so insensitive!


Gram said…
I see there are no comments on your post... My thought is that none of us feel worthy to comment - none of us can touch the trauma you live inside ... or that lives inside you. The best we can do is love you as much as humanly possible and pray we all make it out alive. Hang in there kiddo - one baby step at a time.

Now that almost two months has passed, things seem a bit better, right?

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